JESUS-MY-KING

ENGLISH TRANSLATION

The Egyptian Christian (Copt) girl “Jesus-my-King”tells how she discovered that there is no Jesus

In the Paltalk Room

(2:09)

Thank you very much Tr. Wissam. I am very happy. Thank you all!

I attest that there is no God but Allaah; that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allaah; and that Jesus is the Slave of Allaah and His Messenger.

Thank you very much. May our Lord preserve you!

Thank you our Lord! Praise is to Allaah!

Thank you all, wholeheartedly.

I am very happy. I cannot imagine that there is a happier person in the world more than me.

Thank you very much Tr. Wissam. Thank you all!

You take the mic!

(6:22)

Hello! Can you hear me? Okay.

I say that the happiness which I feel cannot be grasped by anybody else.

I seriously feel that I am the happiest person in the world.

Hello! Can you hear me? Okay.

I would like to thank our Lord publicly so that I make up for the words I uttered against him. This should cover all that which I said to you publicly and privately. I also would like to make up for all that which I spoke against Prophet Muhammad. Truly I said very ugly words against both. This is why I wish to praise them publicly in the same way I spoke publicly against them.

I also would like to thank this Room and all those in it, with no exception – Tr. Wissam, Tr. Salafy, Tr. Scorpion, Tr. Sagher, Dr. Tito and all. I thank sister Khadeega who taught me very many things. I thank Umniyaat and Amatallaah. All of them have treated me with utmost politeness, despite the fact that I spoke profanely against our Lord, Islam and Prophet Muhammad. May our Lord forgive me!

Message to a Christian Paltalker

(7:45)

I also want to direct a message to the Christian gentleman who poked fun on me when I entered the Room with the aim of asking about some issues of Christianity. He poked fun on me, and did not want to give me a reply. He only spoke futile words and left. He particularly said: “You are ignorant; you know nothing”!

I just want to tell you my dear Christian brother that it is not necessary that I should be highly educated so that I may understand the word of our Lord, which should normally be comprehensible to the educated and the illiterate, the rich and the poor. Anyone who hears the speech or our Lord should understand it; it should penetrate into one’s heart. There was no need for you to direct such an accusation to me.

May our Lord lighten your path so that you may see the right thing with your own eyes in the same way I did. I wish to thank you for clarifying very many things for me. However, I shall keep them for myself and never announce them. In any case, I shall never expose such things, you, or any other Christian. I have an obligation towards you. I shall never say a bad word against you, despite all that has been said to me publicly and privately. I shall maintain the love of our Lord in my heart, and shall not retaliate for any evil deed. I shall continue to treat you fairly for ever.

Muslims read The Quraan in public

(9:13)

Brothers and Sisters, I joined your Room some time ago. I spoke and I listened to many dialogues, although my talking to you was very short. The strangeness of what I heard made me unable to respond; and I preferred to listen only. I thought that I let my Christian brothers reply since they are more capable and have better answers. I thought I would not be able to respond amply. I heard from you statements which I heard for the first time in my life; then how could I respond? I decided to let the others reply as they have better answers.

I told you about the model situation to which I was exposed in the transportation means. It is about the Muslim girl of which I spoke to you a few days ago; I saw her reading The Quraan to her companions in the Tram. Everyone was listening but nobody felt awkwardly or denounced what was being said. This took place in the Tram carriage reserved for ladies. The Muslim girl read comfortably and everyone listened to her.

Disappointment in the Tram

(10:19)

I was watching the Muslim girl with astonishment. I wondered if I could just do the same; that is to hold my Bible courageously and read it out to the people present without any misunderstanding on their part. I wondered if I could speak courageously as she does. I noticed the appreciation looks which she received from the audience, and wondered if I could hold my Bible and read like she did so that people may appreciate my words and react by saying that the words of our Lord are wonderful and are just fine.

At that moment I remembered you and all your conversation to me here in this Room about the Song of Songs and a number of Books. I remembered the entire topic that you were discussing. I even remembered that one of the Admins here, I do not recall who, advised me by saying: Go home and read the Song of Songs with your father. Say to your father: Come Dad, let us read the Song of Songs together!

I did not do that and acted wisely by saying to myself: Forget about them. Sorry, I said that they must be ignorant people, who know nothing; who know not the interpretation of verses; and who only want to render you doubtful of your religion. So do not listen to them at all, and stay away from them.

(11:34)

Frankly speaking, the moment I saw the Muslim girl, all your word popped to my mind and I remembered you instantly that I decided to imitate this girl. I took my book out of my handbag – I happened to be coming back from the Church were I inquired about something.

I said to myself that I have to imitate this girl; but when I held the book I could not imitate her. I really could not do it. I opened the book where I had marked certain passages which you discussed with me here and tried to read it out. But I could not read it openly. I found that my tongue has been tied and that I have become mute. I stood still and could not speak out. I could not do as the Muslim girl did. I only cried and cried. Crying was all that I could do.

(12:21)

I stood still addressing Jesus by saying to him: Why have you subjected me to this situation? Why have your words embarrassed me in this way? Why cannot I read your words to the public? Why should I fear that they misunderstand your words? Why should I fear that they misunderstand the words of our Lord? Why should the words of our Lord be misunderstood in the first place?

The words of our Lord are supposed to penetrate into the heart directly, as the words of our Lord emanate from the spirit of our Lord. The words of our Lord come out of the spirit; hence they should enter the spirit immediately, without being mistaken and without causing any confusion or embarrassment, and without the need for me to help people understand the meaning of the words which I say. These are words coming out of the spirit and should thus address the spirit. However, I could not do it, and could not read it publicly.

Disappointment with the Church

(13:09)

I went to my Father in the Church in order to ask him about the incident and look for a solution. What kind of strange feeling do I have? I am unable to sleep. I wondered why? Can you imagine a situation when you find a person following a different religion being placed in a better position than you, while you suffer in a difficult position? And all you could do is just to look at that person and wonder why she is better than you? Asking what is wrong with our religion that we are so embarrassed to reveal it to the public?

(13:38)

I went to the Church and told my Father that I wanted to ask him about a serious matter. I said: “I opened my Bible in the Tram and wished to read it in public”. I described the incident to him as it happened exactly. I told him that I wanted to read my book just like the Muslim girl reads hers. Do you have any explanation? I enquired.

I said that I see many bearded Muslims opening their Quraan and reading it courageously in the transportation means and loudly, while people appreciate what they hear. Even if a Christian is there; he would just listen and keep silent indifferently. He would neither abhor what he hears nor wonder what kind of talk it is. He would just hear it and remain silent.

Can you Father do just the same? Can you stand in transportation means and read out the Song of Songs? Can you say: How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter? Can you say publicly: The joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman? Can you say: Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor; thy belly is like a heap of wheat set about with lilies; thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins?

He said that all these words have a spiritual meaning and have an interpretation. Such words cannot be taken for their face meaning which you may wish to imagine. I want you to calm down.

I said: How can I calm down? I see before me a girl belonging to another religion, and I envy her. I am unable to imitate her. Can you imitate her? How could I and also other people misunderstand these words? I only want you to see my point of view. Is not this a spiritual speech as you state Father? It is supposed then to be addressing the spirit. But actually it does not. It only addresses the desires and instincts, not the spirit. As long as it does not enter into the spirit, it does not address the spirit.

(15:39)

Father, I said. I do not see that whenever I wish to read the Song of Song to someone that I have to stop and warn him not to misunderstand me, and to explain that the words your breasts, your thighs, and your belly have a spiritual meaning. This is useless. If these words are heard by someone to whom we want to preach about Jesus, he will not accept him. His heart would be firmly closed. He will never accept Jesus no matter what we explain to him.

Can you imagine what his reply was? I am sorry to mention it but he said: “Do not let Jesus be angry with you”!

(Interruption)

Can you hear me? Hello, can you hear me? Okay.

That is all. I received this reply from him, and said: Well Father, my Dad will not come to know about this. I am not going to talk to him about it. I ask you only. Do not you know our secrets and know much about us and have served us? Serve me once for all and bring peace to my mind. I do not want you to explain to me the meaning. I know the meaning and have read its interpretation a million times. I only want you to explain to me the reason of my reluctance to read this Book and others in public.

Then he went on to say: Do not you understand these words and believe in them? I said yes. He said, and then you do not have to worry about anybody else! I agreed with him and thanked him. As you say, I do not have to worry about anyone else; I have to mind my own business only.

Confusion and stress

(17:25)

I went home in a status of collapse, unable to talk to anybody, and wondering as to what is going on. Is there no person who knows how to answer me?

I spent a number of days in this condition without food or drink, but crying only to the extent that my eyes swelled. All those at home noticed the way I talked, and the change in my attitude, and that I am upset and crying. But I cannot say what is wrong with me or give any reason. It is tough on me to cause them to be upset, and it is hard to disappoint them. They are my family. Anyhow, I suppressed my feelings deep in my heart. I thought they would never grasp my sentiments and sympathize with what is in my heart.

(18:00)

If anyone asked me what was wrong with me, I would say that a friend of me died in an accident which I witnessed, and that I could not adapt and handle the situation so as to react normally with the others. You have to bear with me for sometime, I would tell them.

I lived some totally hard days to the extent that I decided not to reenter your Room at all. I am sorry to say that I persistently cursed you. I decided not to switch on my computer. I deleted the Paltalk program completely off my computer, and said I would never listen to you again.

(18:36)

Some time later, I felt lonely in my room. I noticed that I was guided towards my computer; I re-uploaded the Paltalk and reentered it; I logged in to my email account; I picked up the mic and spoke. I recounted the story which I told you about a short while ago. I thought I could hear from a Christian who would explain to me how I acted wrongly by any criterion. The question is: Could any Christian stand in transportation means, hold his book, and read out the Song of Songs just like a bearded Muslim would do to his book?

As I received no reaction, I decided to wait for three more days. I thought that if I fail to hear from anyone a reply which would convince me and show me how I could stand in the midst of people and read out the Song of Songs, I shall never open the Bible again. This is what I said here, and it must have been recorded by someone.

Christian tendency to criticize Islam

(19:47)

I waited for a reply, but there was none. I wondered as to where I should seek help. I decided to enter a Christian website and communicate with the blogger and seek advice. I would pose on him all the questions which bothered me and get to know his point of view. This man is well-educated as he studied theology, and his site is very good. I thought that this is the best resort as the man will explain things to me and settle my anxiety. I shall be writing to him discretely so that he does not know who I was. He would not mention anything about my Dad and acquaintances. I thought I would talk to him freely and courageously.

I asked him the same question, but received from him such a horrible answer. Prior to asking him I inquired if I could read the words of the Song of Songs to a person relating to another religion without being embarrassed. He deserted Christianity as a whole and did not answer me on the basis of Christianity. He said: Do you mean to say that you do not like the Song of Songs? Why do not you examine Islam where you will find Sophism and divine love? Why do not you criticize Islam? Why do not you question it?

I enquired: What is the matter with you now? What are you telling me? I talk to you about my faith; I ask you about my faith; but you speak about Islam! What do I have to do with Islam? I ask you if I could read the Song of Song courageously before people, but you reply with Sophism.

Again he would respond by saying: Does this mean that you have never heard of Rabeaa Al-Adawiyah who was called “the lover of God”, and she composed poetry on the subject of her love of our Lord? Rabeaa said: “I have two kinds of love for you”.

Why do you accept her position?

I said to him: Whether I accept or not, I have nothing to do with this issue. I have nothing to do with Rabeaa, Adawiyah, Islam and Sophism? I ask you a question relating to my religion. Why do not you respond with content from my religion, my book? Why is it, my honorable teacher, that my religion has turned void of an answer that you resort to Islam in order to answer me? Why should you hold a comparison with Islam? Is there no answer from my book? I do ask you from the Bible.

If you want to compare with Islam, compare with The Quraan! Do not compare with the words of a woman! I say that we have the Song of Songs, but you say Rabeaa Al-Adawiyah said. I challenged him by saying: Tell me what our Lord of The Quraan said, and quote text similar to that of the Song of Songs. If you like involvement in Islam, then let us talk about Islam normally!

Still he repeated the same wording. He resumed his talk about Islam and The Quraan. He said: I shall quote to you text from The Quraan that is similar to that of the Song of Songs.

I said: Back to the same subject? Okay, now I am convinced that there is no answer in my book which would guide me as to how I may read out my book to people just like the Muslims read out their book. Let me have the answer from The Quraan then, since you are determined to get involved in The Quraan and in Islam!

He said: There is in The Quraan a verse in which the God of Muslims describes the fair women of Paradise as: “Loving and of equal age”. He asked: Do you know what the meaning is of “Loving and of equal age”?

I said no I do not. What does it mean?

He said: It means that a woman would remain young forever, and that her breast shall not become flabby, and that she will remain young forever.

I said: Fine, okay, what is it then? Did our Lord direct His speech to her? Did He court her in the same manner as that stated in the Song of Songs? Did our Lord say to her: How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights? Let me have an answer!

Did our Lord say that to her? Why do you insist on changing the subject by talking to me about Islam? Did their God establish a relation, or liken His relation with anyone, to His relation with us as the case is in the Song of Songs, as bride and groom?

Have you ever watched any Muslim on a satellite channel, or seen on a website, or anywhere else, asking a scholar on an Islamic topic when the scholar answers by saying that the Bible states so and so? Why should you answer me with content from Islam?

I watched Islamic programs when Muslims asked scholars about a certain issue. The scholar usually responded by quoting The Quraan or the Hadeeth. I have never seen a scholar who replied by stating that the Bible contains this or that, or a specific book of the Bible states so and so, and a specific verse of the Bible states this or that. As I ask you about the Bible, please reply from the Bible!

Even in Islamic sites a Muslim would send a question to which I noticed that they provide him with a reply in the form of a verse or Hadeeth or fatwa (opinion based on Sharia). Nobody approaches the Bible in any manner at all.

He replied by saying: Do not you like The Quraan? Then you better stay with it; it may prove useful to you!

Such is his reply to a Christian who is asking for help! What would I say to him? I do not really know. I said to him: Fine, you are right. I shall stuff my mouth with a shoe and neither say anything, nor ask anyone. I shall take a matter as it is, swallow it, and shut up. That is all. I never spoke to him again, and also stopped writing to him.

Action plan

(25:30)

I said to myself: Why do I resort to people? Why do not I bring myself comfort with my own hand? Do not I feel that people would denounce my addressing this issue to them? Why do not I attempt to read it out to them? I might turn out to be mistaken or fabricating things. I thought that I should devise a way through which I can decide whether the doubts that dwell in my mind are true or false. Let me see if people would believe in what they hear from me or not.

I followed an adventurous course of action. It is a very courageous step which no Christian girl would actually take. I said to myself: Why are you making molehills out of this small issue? Your way of thinking may be wrong. Go and try! Is it not the case that Jesus does miracles and demonstrates his capabilities to people? Try it, you will not loose anything!

Go and stand in the middle of the crowd and do as the Muslim girl does, and read out your book. Read out the words which the Muslims abhor and find fault with, as you heard on the Internet. Read it out to ordinary people who neither heard such words nor read them in the Bible, but know nothing about them. Perhaps they will be responsive and someone may believe. It could be that a person may believe in Jesus, thus you would have saved a soul and guided it on the path of Jesus. Your doubts will then disperse, and find out that people received your words favorably with clear mind and spirit and thanked you for them.

The Song of Songs and others

(26:59)

I stood in the station with a few Muslim girls around me. I had with me my Christian girlfriend who normally accompanies me to and fro. I said to her: Now I shall read to you terrific verses from the Bible. These verses are really beautiful. She said: Fine, okay! I opened my book and started reading the Song of Songs in such a manner as to let the girls around me hear my reading.

I have here the passages which I read out of the Bible. Here is what I read to them. I started by saying:

1. How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! The joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

2. Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor, thy belly is like a heap of wheat set about with lilies.

3. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

4. Thy neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim: thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus.

5. Thine head upon thee is like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king is held in the galleries.

6. How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

7. This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

8. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

9. And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.

10. I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.

11. Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages.

12. Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth: there will I give thee my loves.

(29:07)

I continued reading some verses in this fashion. I also remember a particular point here, and that is the book which I have stops by the phrase: “And the roof of thy mouth like the best”. But I read on the Internet and noticed that the Vandyke translation goes on to say: “… for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak”. This portion is not in the book which I have.

Never mind! I continued reading, and moved to the book of Ezekiel, chapter 23, about Aholah, and Aholibah:

“Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth,” Of course, this is the holy Bible in which I believe. It is my book. The Muslims must be uncomfortable with what I said. I know that, but this is supposed to be the book which I follow in worship; the book which I call the book of our Lord, and I read out to people. Have I done anything wrong? Then I continued:

19 Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.

20 For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

“Thus thou calledst to remembrance the lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth.” You know the rest of it. I am not pleased to say this, but I say it nonetheless. The thing is that I do not want anyone to interrupt me while saying this on the mic. I shall go on:

21 Thus thou calledst to remembrance the lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth.

22 Therefore, O Aholibah, thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will raise up thy lovers against thee, from whom thy mind is alienated, and I will bring them against thee on every side;

I continued reading out by saying: “And they shall deal with thee hatefully, and shall take away all thy labor”. While reading I noticed the reactions of people around me. I continued reading out not heeding anything. My expectation was someone would stand up and say this is the word of our Lord; or someone who would say this is a beautiful narration, this is the word of our Lord and I want to believe in it. I went on reading:

29 And they shall deal with thee hatefully, and shall take away all thy labor, and shall leave thee naked and bare: and the nakedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms.

30 I will do these things unto thee, because thou hast gone a whoring after the heathen, and because thou art polluted with their idols.

Then I opened the book of Proverbs, chapter 7, and read out:

17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.

18 Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves.

19 For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey:

20 He hath taken a bag of money with him, and will come home at the day appointed.

21 With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him.

“With the flattering of her lips she forced him”! Of course I know the interpretation of this passage, and I do not expect anyone to tell me what the interpretation is, or what the symbols stand for. I know what your breasts mean; I know what your thighs mean and what they stand for; I know that whoredom means going away from the path of our Lord, and I know its meaning. I have read this literature a hundred times and know it. I am not talking about its interpretation, and I do not object to such interpretation or anything else.

(32:34)

My objection here is: How the Lord could say words that the hearts abhor, to the effect that I could see such expressions on the faces of people? I was reading when I noticed that the girls standing around me bursting in laughter, placing their hands on their mouths, and are very cheerful as if they have seen something peculiar, something of a garbage. But I am supposed to have been reading the word of our Lord! The result is that the word of our Lord has been received recklessly by these girls. The girls are not so important to me; they pose no problem. What you are going to see is the worst.

Collision with reality

(33:13)

The surprise which I never expected at all is that I noticed that a chap approached me from behind. He lowered himself to my ear and spoke to me. Can you imagine what did he say to me as a reaction to what he heard? He should have heard words that are supposed to be those of our Lord. I am sorry to repeat his words, but my intention is that you live the moment which I passed through, so that you may identify with me; so that a Christian may feel the impact of the incident on me, as a result of reading statements which I believe are the word of our Lord which I read out to people.

Can you imagine what did he say to me? He said: “What is it sweetie? Are you lustful here and now?”

Do you see the outcome of your word my Lord? This is the consequence of reading out your word. Why should I hear such a comment from someone who talks to me like a street whore addressing me with words of garbage? Is this my reward for standing up to read out your word to people? Even if I want to preach in favor of Jesus by reading these passages, should my reward be that I hear such a word?

(34:45)

I looked at him and said: This is a book from which I read; it is a book! Do you like this book? He replied by saying: A hundred percent. He raised his two hands to confirm his one hundred percent appreciation. He added: Come, let us study it together! I said to him: Take it, as long as it appeals to you! Then I gave it him and walked away. I deserted the whole world, my girlfriend, the station, and crowd and walked home alone while bursting into tears. I covered seven stations, and kept asking myself: Why should this happen to me? Why should I hear such comment when I read the word of our Lord?

I almost turned mad. Did the Muslim girl who read out its book hear such a comment? Was there a boy who approached her from behind and said to her the comment which I heard? Did her book embarrass her as my book did? No, this was not the case. All those who were standing there were appreciative of what she did. Even I myself was impressed by her, and her courage and boldness. They say to me, these words have meaning and interpretation. Fine, I agree that they have.

Irreparable damage

Suppose that after having heard his comment I called this chap and I said to him: Wait until I have explained to you the words which I read out, and tell you their meanings. Would he listen to me? Even after having said what he said? Would he wait and listen while he was throwing on me such dirty and mean looks? Would I nevertheless stand there and continue my explanation of the words of our Lord to him? Would I still stay there and speak to him after what he said to me? He said: Come, let us study it together! Would I still wait to explain to him what does your breasts and your thighs mean? You had no knowledge that this would happen to me O Lord?

Even if I explained to him, and tried to convince him, he will never ever comprehend or let any explanation get through into his heart. It is absolutely impossible. This is like the case when I call to me someone and tell him: Look, I have a bride here for you. Do you see the beautiful bride over there? She is the bride I chose for you to marry. He would look at her and find out that she is ill-mannered and would say: What an ill-mannered girl you have selected for me? Do not you hear what she is saying? Do you not notice her words?

I would then say: Fine, hold on, do not misunderstand her! This is a spiritual misconduct triggered by a motive nobler than your thinking. Do not misunderstand her, and do not look at her ill-manners and her words from a material perspective. Try to elevate your thoughts and senses by examining the symbols in her words. This girl is not ill-mannered. She does this in order to provide for the needs of her sisters. Do you see now the noble objective for which she acts in this manner? This is an expression of a strong love relationship with her sisters. She sells out herself, her dignity, and her figure, and she talks this way in order to express such strong relationship that is there with her sisters.

Is it possible that this man would accept the bride after having seen what he saw, and after my explanation and justification? Impossible! His heart must have been firmly locked. He would not accept her even along with a payment. This is exactly what happened to me. I was exhibiting to people the word of our Lord. I noticed their expressions and heard the comment which was said. It is impossible for me, no matter how long I stand there, that I be able to convince them by explaining the meanings and providing the interpretations of the words which I read. There is no way that they accept them. I would never be able to explain the matter so that they may be able to accept it. Do I make a fool of myself?

The dilemma

Accordingly, I would reenter the Room and respond to you by saying: Do not misinterpret the Song of Songs, as its objective is so and so. Your breasts mean so and so. Your head refers to so and so. Your thighs refer to so and so, and so on. But would I fool myself? I tried it by myself and lived a truly gloomy moment by all standards.

Anyone who does not take my word for it may hold his Bible and stand in the street and read out the passages which I read. Demonstrate to me what would the public do? Demonstrate to me how would the crowd listen? Be it girl or boy who would do as I did. Show me how shocked he would be.

But if you as a Christian concede that the word of our Lord be reacted to in this manner as I did see, then you are senseless because you are not stirred and you are not sympathetic with the word of our Lord.

(40:07)

Anyhow, I received the chap’s comment and went home wrecked and crying, unable to see ahead of me, or speak with anyone, or eat or drink. I entered my room and locked the door. I started talking to myself like an idiot, fool or retarded. All I did was talking to myself repeating one question addressed to our Lord: Why have I been exposed to such a situation as a result of reading your word, and for introducing your word to people? Is this not your word through which you address the souls and hearts? Why did it not penetrate into their souls and hearts, but rather diverted to a different direction? Why did it address the instincts and desires with the result that I heard that comment from that chap? I really cannot resist a nervous breakdown whenever I remember that situation.

(41:14)

Do you know what it means that the word of our Lord collapses before your eyes? You see the reaction of people and you get embarrassed by the word of your Lord. There is no Muslim who experienced this feeling because you do not have what I have. As I said, anyone who does not believe me may himself go and stand in a location where Muslims, or anyone such as atheists, Buddhists, or any other religion are present, and read out these passages to them, and wait to see their reaction.

I persisted on saying: O Lord, why have you chosen a physical relationship between a bride and a groom and made it the subject of your speech and used it for an example? Why a physical relationship? Are not there purer and nobler relations than these which you could use? There is the mother-son relation, mother-daughter relation, father-son relation, and brother-brother relation. Why bride and groom? At least I would not have heard that comment and got embarrassed in the said manner. I would not have heard that comment as a result of reading out your word!

I kept wondering as to why this has happened, and as to whom and where to go. I stood up facing a portrait of Jesus in my room and addressed him. I talked to him and waited for his response. I implored him to respond. I said: Be glorified Jesus, demonstrate to me your great glory by responding to me. Was not your mission to redeem our souls? Have you not suffered pain and torture for our sake? Why do you consider it a big deal that you comfort me? Respond to me, guide me, and tell me! Why has your word embarrassed me? Why was I so embarrassed? Why did your word make a show of me to other people? Why did I come to hear that comment from that villain?

Breakup with Jesus and company

(43:32)

I talked to Jesus. I talked to the Virgin: O Mother of Light. I said to her: Enlighten me O Mother of the living God! Talk to me and assure me! Respond to me! I cannot bear it anymore; I am suffocating. I feel that I was taking the wrong course. I can bear it no more. I collapse whenever I remember this.

I addressed Jesus, the Virgin (Mary), and Georges. I approached the whole group of Saints, and waited for someone to respond to me. No one did! I said to them: You cannot hear or what? Am I talking to myself? You do not love me Jesus because you do not respond to me! My Father at the Church and those in the (Paltalk) Room never responded convincingly. Nobody provided me with an effective method which I may use in holding my book and reading it out to people courageously. Nobody explained to me anything in any respect.

Audience with the Lord

(45:00)

I continued talking to them in this manner until people were asleep. Only I was fully awake. Then I said: You have thus severed relations with me. I shall henceforth never expect to receive a reply from you.

I left my room and went out of the apartment. Everyone at home was asleep. I took the lift to the upper floor. Nobody was aware of me. Despite strong wind, falling rain, and thunder which all made a terrible weather for the past four days, I was indifferent. All I cared for was to know the truth since I was unable to sleep. I could not sleep eversince that incident occurred to me.

(46:40)

Eversince the occurrence of that incident I was unable to adapt to my life; I could not bear it anymore. Whenever I remember that I heard such a comment from a chap because I was reading out the word of our Lord, I feel that I cannot bear it anymore.

On the roof I looked toward the sky above raising my head and talking to our Lord. I said: O Lord! I address you the real Lord. I address you who created everything and directed us to worship you. O Lord who created the sky that I can see with my eyes, who created the rain that is falling, who created the thunder that I can hear with my ears, assure me and comfort me! O Lord who created me and created my hand here, my eyes and my tongue! Respond to me, assure me and comfort me! Are the Bible and the Song of Songs your word? Is it your proper word? And is Jesus a person (Hypostasis) of you? Is this really your word or this is all a lie as I heard?

(48:19)

Can you imagine? Our Lord instantly answered me! No sooner I mentioned the real Lord that He answered me. Upon talking to our real Lord by saying you who created everything in this world he responded to me. I noticed that He said: Allaahu Akbar! Allaahu Akbar! (Allaah is Greater). Upon asking Him I noticed that the call to prayers sounded in the adjacent Mosque.

If you happen to climb up a high place, especially when you do it at night, and you hear the call to prayers sounding one next to the other, you will hear several calls. In my case I was repeating my question: Is the Song of Songs your word? We have around us several Mosques each of which responded to one repetition of my question: Allaahu Akbar! Allaahu Akbar! With each response I would said: This is right! This is right O Lord because you are greater that this. You are greater that adopting this as your word. You are greater than courting in such a manner. You are greater than likening anything of this sort in such a manner.

I could not believe myself; that our Lord responded to me and comforted me this way. I started saying to him thank you, I am sorry and thank you, sending him kisses in the air, collecting the rain and kissing it, while saying: You made it and it is coming from you. I kissed my hand saying to him: O Lord you are the one who made it. I am sorry! I said to him: This is satisfactory O Lord; I need no more than this. You are our real Lord because you responded to me as soon I called you. You only heard me. I talked to Jesus, the Saints, and the Virgin repeatedly, but none responded to me or comforted me, as if I was talking to myself.

I continued saying I am sorry O Lord for all that I said about you, and that I was ignorant and did not know you. I kept saying I am very sorry especially that one day I doubted your being the real God. I am so miserable and backward! I am sorry for having worshiped you the wrong way, for misunderstanding you, and for blaspheming against you. I the miserable blasphemed against you the Great. I also blasphemed against your Messenger in public. And I verbally wronged against all the Muslims.

(52:11)

Despite all this you have not caused me to die but let me live on. You could have ended my life as I was cursing in that manner. You allowed me to live and you did not leave me confused as well. You let me live and also comforted me. I do not deserve all this generosity; I do not. A lot of people told me that the God of the Muslims who inspired The Quraan is Satan. The God of the Muslims is Satan! This is unbelievable O Lord. How perfect is the Lord! No, you cannot be like that O Lord!

When I received the response, that is when I said O Lord who created me, I believed that this is our Lord. The response came to me through the call to prayers which the God of the Muslims taught to them. I said this cannot be Satan. Satan can never pass himself off as our Lord; this is taken for granted. Satan will never ever place himself in the position of our Lord (Allaah).

If that was Satan, Jesus would have stopped him; that is if Jesus is by any means capable of stopping him. Then I started to say: Where is Jesus to start with? There is no Jesus; there is not. This is because he neither responded to me nor did he comfort me. The God of the Muslims is the one who comforted me. As soon as I said O Lord who created the world as a whole, the response came to me in the word of Allaah stating that Allaah is Greater.

Collateral assurance

But has our Lord stopped at this extent? Was this the only demonstration of our Lord to me? No, the generosity of our Lord has not ended yet. He did not consider the call to prayers to be sufficient. He sent me words that were read out specially for me at the moment when I was asking Him.

Having talked to Him, I descended to my apartment. I entered my room as everybody was asleep. I was totally relaxed, happy and pleased as I have just talked to our Lord on the roof. Our Lord has just been talking to me. I asked Him and He responded. I was unbelievably happy. I believed that there was no happier person than me. For the first time in my life I felt that I am a human being; that I have a Lord who hears me and answers me when I ask Him.

(55:40)

I went down and entered my room. Immediately there were words being read out in the adjacent Mosque answering the questions that I have just presented to our Lord. Eversince construction of the nearby Mosque, an elderly Sheikh led the dawn prayers. He used to pronounce the call to prayers, and then read the only two chapters that he memorized: “Glorify the name of your Lord, the Most High”, and “Say He is Allaah, the One”. Even I memorized them as I heard them repeatedly everyday. He would read them on the mic and then go to bed.

On that particular day, at the same moment, there was a totally different Sheikh; one other than that we used to hear everyday at that time of the day. There were words that entered into my heart and nested innermost. Words that were engraved deep inside me. Listen to what our Lord sent to me, the despicable and powerless creature. I, who do not deserve anything good when compared with the bad deeds which I committed. I do not deserve anything good having said all the horrible things about him and His Messenger. Still, He responded to me and made me subject of His esteem.

I still remember the words that were read out. I searched for the text on the Internet, and shall read it out to you as I have written the text here. What did he say?

Answers from The Quraan

“And when Allaah said” …, I cannot read these words. I remember them but I feel afraid. I cannot read them although I heard them earlier, but I felt nothing towards them. But when I believed they were delivered specially for me, I sensed them.

“And when Allaah said: O Eessa Ibnu Maryam! Did you say unto men: Worship me and my mother as two gods other than Allaah?”

No, O Lord he did not say that!

“And when Allaah said: O Eessa Ibnu Maryam! Did you say unto men: Worship me and my mother as two gods other than Allaah?”

No, he did not say. No, he did not say I am God. Jesus did not say I am God. But we said. He did not say it in this fashion: “I am God”. No, he did not say that.

“He (Eessa) said: Glory be to You! It was not for me to say what I had no right. Had I said such a thing, You would have known it. You know what is in me, though I do not know what is in Yours. Truly, You, only You, are the All-Knower of all that is hidden and unseen”.

(59:42)

If you, Jesus, can know the hidden and unseen, why have you pushed me to the situation in which I am now? If you can know the hidden and unseen, why did you include in your book such words as those which triggered the comment that I heard? Accordingly, you do not know the hidden and unseen. No you do not. If you know the hidden and unseen you would have respected my feelings.

“Never did I say to them aught except what You did command me to say: 'Worship Allaah, my Lord and your Lord”.

This is right; my Lord and your Lord. My God and your God! This is what you actually said Jesus. I bear witness to it.

“And I was a witness over them while I dwelt amongst them, but when You wound up my mission, You were the Watcher over them, and You are a Witness to all things”.

“If You torment them, they are Your bondmen”,

O Lord do not torment me!

“And if You forgive them, verily You, only You are the All-Mighty, the All-Wise."

“Allaah said” …,

Watch the difference! I have reason to get crazy. Why did not I have this feeling when I was reading the Song of Songs?

“Allaah said: This is a Day on which the truthful will profit from their truth. Theirs are Gardens under which rivers flow. They shall abide therein forever. Allaah is pleased with them and they are with Him. That is the great victory”.

“To Allaah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth” …,

To Allaah!

“To Allaah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth and all that is therein, and He is Able to do all things”.

(1:02:53)

Our Lord sent me a message stating that He is the King dominating the heavens and the earth. This is why I had just finished asking him and calling Him that name. I was saying to Him: O Lord who created the heavens and the earth, and created everything that is present here. It is true that to Allaah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth and all that is therein. This is true O Lord. I bear witness to your words. Yes, you are our Lord. When I called you by saying O real Lord, you responded in the manner I requested. I need you only, and desire to worship you because you are the one who is close to me. You heard me; therefore you are our Lord.

Had Jesus been close to me he would have responded to me. He could have at least prevented my being in such a situation. He would not have let me mount to the roof, or hear the call to prayers, or hear that particular Quraan recital at that particular time, or let that Sheikh read those particular words at that particular time. Had Jesus been able to hear or act in any way he would have done it. This is what I have discovered.

(1:04:25)

Following that I started crying and hitting myself. I hit my body in various parts. I started to realize the state of dumbness in which I was as I was worshiping other than our Lord. Also I was cursing His religion; I ridiculed Him and made fun of Him. Forgive me Umniyat! You heard my blasphemy with your own ear. You heard me saying that the Messenger was a terrorist.

New phase

Following that I was not aware of myself, until my mother woke me up in the morning urging me to rise as I was late. She also said: What have you been saying when you were asleep? You were uttering strange words. I was afraid that I said something that would raise doubts. If so, I would be lost. So I said: What was I saying? I do not remember having said anything. She said: You were speaking strange words. You were repeatedly saying: “Had I said such a thing, You would have known it”.

This means that the words of our Lord entered my ear, heart and mind. I said them by my tongue even when I was asleep and dissociated from the world. They dwelled in me innermost. So I said to her: You do not have to worry Mom! It seems that I was dreaming or so. Have no fear!

(1:06:33)

As of that moment I started to hear the same statement ringing in my ear wherever I walked. When I looked at an object, I would hear it talking to me. If I looked at the chair or the wall, I would hear the same statement. I would see it in the eyes of people. I felt that everything was saying to me time and again: “Had I said such a thing, You would have known it”.

My tongue would speak it discretely. I felt that it was stuck to my brain. At that time I knew that this is the word of our Lord. My heart told me that; my heart talked to me. I knew that this is our real Lord because his words entered my heart and mind; they started to flow on my tongue willingly and beyond my control.

(1:07:34)

I said this is really the speech that dwells in the heart and fills it with security. I have never sensed such a feeling while reading the Bible. I have never read a verse of the Bible which popped up repeatedly on my tongue in this manner.

Do you know that had I heard the ringing of a church bell or a hymn or any thing of the like; anything that would prove to me that my earlier faith was right at the moment when I was saying O real Lord, I would have known that Jesus was right.

Supposing that while I was asking our Lord and saying to Him O Lord who created everything is the Song of Songs your word, the answer came to me in the form of church bell or a hymn or anything of that sort, I would have been convinced, and could have known that what settled in my mind were mere doubts. I would not have been concerned with the comment which I heard from the chap at the station; or the looks of people. I would not have been concerned with all such things.

The matter is very simple; Jesus could not do anything. He could not act in any way. He could not prevent me from climbing to the roof and talking at that particular time; so that I may hear with my own ear the call to prayers at that particular time; and hear with my own ear The Quraan in which that particular speech is present; the speech that tackle the subject being the focus of my questioning.

Jesus would not have let me hear a speech which completely denies his status as a god. Had he been able to do anything, Jesus would have done something to comfort me; but he did not, as if he was in another world, and I was only talking to myself.

Thanks and apologies

(1:09:42)

Therefore, I am thankful to you O Lord. I say thank you for all this generosity which I do not merit. Indeed O Lord, I attest that there is no God but You once I have lived, sensed and heard this through my heart. I attest that there is no God but You, and that your Messenger is your Messenger, Muhammad is your Messenger. O Lord! Nobody heard me except you. I shall do all that you told me to do. I shall worship you alone, and shall believe in your word alone, and in the word of your Messenger, against whom I repeatedly wronged without any sense of regret or fear; and against whom I spoke the worst of speech. I am sorry Muhammad! I am sorry my beloved.

(1:10:44)

I am sorry Muslims for every word through which I cursed you without any consideration of your feelings. I am sorry Umniyat for the words which I uttered in the other Room when you replied to me, and I let you hear ugly words about your religion, Messenger, Messenger’s Companions, Muslims, and all things relating to Islam which were the subject of my defamation. Forgive me so that our Lord may forgive me!

I apologize to you all: Tr. Wissam, Tr. Salafy, and everyone whom I offended personally or offended his religion. I apologize to every Muslim woman who stopped me in the street and warned me and advised me and talked to me about my attire and appearance saying that young men would harass me and hurt me. I would normally scold her and curse her and say to her: This is none of your business. I am Christian!

Should being a Christian mean that I be a sandal on the show to worthy and unworthy people? Is it only for the Muslim woman to protect herself, while I the Christian may show people as they wish? I acted just like animals.

Steadfast on the straightforward path

Now I vow to never leave you O Lord! I shall never quit your path; never ever no matter who talks to me. Even if the Pope himself came and talked to me, I would not leave you O Lord because you responded to me while he did not. You heard me, but nobody else heard me. Some ridiculed, scorched, cursed, or diluted the narration. You are the only one to whom I resorted and you responded to me.

(1:13:03)

Anyone who would ask me: Have you departed to the religion of Muhammad which covers this issue and that? Have you followed the Messenger of Islam who did this and that? I then would say: To Hell with you! I am sorry, but I shall say go to Hell, because the speech of Muhammad is what has comforted me. His speech provided a response when I interrogated. And the Lord of Muhammad, to whom you refer as Satan, is the one who responded to me when I said O real Lord! Had He not been the real Lord, He would not have responded to me. How could I leave Him after all? How could I be retarded and coward by rejecting the bounty which came to me? I had hard time searching for comfort; how could I leave our Lord after that?

It is impossible that I run after a book which contains words that have embarrassed me and caused people to make fun of me? No, I shall not believe in such a book. Sorry! The case is that prior to deserting that book I inquired extensively and universally, but nobody convinced me or provided me with a convincing reason. This book I will never need again! As long as this book embarrasses, disgraces, and exposes me; causes people to ridicule me; and incurs on me such comments as those of a villain who portrayed me as a bad girl, I really do not need it.

Now that I have seen the words of our Lord, and that our Lord Himself responded to me, it is impossible that I accept the word of anyone else. This is it. Anyone who chooses the Song of Songs let him stay with the Song of Songs. I want to stay with the word of our Lord who responded to me.

(1:14:59)

Anyone who wishes to curse Islam let him curse Islam as he wishes. Islam shall not be hurt in any manner. Your cursing will not affect it at all. My cursing would have affected Islam, but it did not. Anyhow, you will revert to yourself and start hitting yourself to humiliation for anything that you said against our Lord; exactly as I did to myself.

On my part, I recognize that our Lord has enlightened me and I now know the path. I rescued myself while I am still alive. I hope that you rescue yourself as you live on. Any statement that you may hear from anyone that Muhammad said this and that, or that Muhammad did this and that, to the effect that you choose to follow his advice, then follow his advice! I tell you that our Lord did say the word that is in The Quraan which you have just heard from me. When I asked Him he responded to me. You wish to believe someone else, go ahead! On my part I cleared my conscience as such. I did all I could manage to do and delivered my experience without hiding anything. I extended the necessary advice and fulfilled my task.

Will you be incessantly calling Jesus? You will call Jesus once you have died in order to request his assistance? Will you be saying to him: Lord Jesus, save me as I believed in your glory and followed you? He will not pay any attention to you as he did not pay any attention to me. He would have regarded me if he will regard you. Jesus would have paid attention to me and comforted me had he loved me. He would not have let the peace which I have in my heart come from another religion other than that in his book.

All that I shall be doing is to pray to our Lord to enlighten your path, and that of every bewildered person, and to show him what I have seen. Anybody who wishes to live the moment which I lived may sincerely ask our Lord for it. Then he will feel the honor thereof and will come to know my feeling for sure.

Epilogue

(1:17:07)

As such, I have delivered my message. I am sorry to have kept you for so long, but I wanted to praise our Lord in public as I angered Him in public; and to praise Prophet Muhammad in public as I angered him in public. I shall not feel comfortable unless you all write to me that you have forgiven me, and that none of you is angry with me. Say that you forgive me and that you are not angry with me so that our Lord may forgive me.

Thank you very much. Thank you!

You can have the mic.

=END=